Boston Humor

You might be a Bostonian if....

1. You think of Philadelphia as the "Deep South."
2. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R).
4. You think three straight days of 90+ degree weather is a heat wave.
5. All your pets are named after Celtic hall-of-famers.
6. You refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting."
7. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in a frenzy.
8. You don't think you have an attitude.
9. You know the significance of 1918.
10. Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
11. When out of town, you think the natives of the area you're visiting are all we-ah-d.
12. You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
13. You have no idea what the word compromise means.
14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
15. You don't realize that you talk twice as fast as everyone else.
16. You're anal, neurotic, spasmodic & stubborn.
17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town.

Things you should know about Boston:

1. There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings.
2. There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy. How should we know which one you mean when you say "Boston Latin"??
3. Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
4. It's the Sox, the Pats, the Seltz, the Broons.
5. The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT.
6. Johnson never should have hit for Willoughby.
7. The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't Noo Yawk.
8. Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
9. Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it, and eat it with baked beans.

If you're from Boston...

1. You'll know who the cahdnal is
2. You can take the T to JP
3. You know what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summah.
4. And if you're smaht, you'll know how not to get cahded at the packie.

When we say\We mean...

1. bzah\odd
2. flahwiz\roses, etc.
3. hahpahst\30 minutes after the hour
4. Hahwahya?\How are you?
5. khakis\what we staht the cah with
6. pissa\superb
7. retahded\silly
8. shuah\of course
9. wikkid\extremely
10. yiz\you, plural

How we'll know you weren't bon heah:

1. You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
2. You cross at a crosswalk.
3. You ask directions to "Cheers."
4. You order a grinder and a soda.
5. You pronounce it "Worchester."
6. You walk the Freedom Trail.
7. You call it "Copely" Square.
8. You go to BU.

Getting around:

1. Boston is a mishmash of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water. You know, "One if by land, two if by sea."
2. Charlestown? Cahn't get theyah from heah. And which Warren Street do you want? We have three plus three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place.
3. Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
4. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, Exeter, Fairfield, and Gloucester. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D. If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedah), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
5. Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn't exist.
6. The North-East-South-West thing: Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. The North End is east of the West End. The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night. Eastie is East Boston. The East End is Boston Harbor.

About owwah "cuisine:"

1. Boston cream pie is a cake.
2. Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
3. Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
4. Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
5. When we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
6. They're hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the 9th century.

Things not to do:

1. Don't call it Beantown.
2. Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (or the Ville).
3. Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
4. Don't sleep in the Common.
5. Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
6. Don't call the may-ah "Mumbles." He hates that.

Basic Rules for Driving in Boston (subject to change at any time):

1. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
2. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
3. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
4. Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is available.
5. Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
7. Always look both ways when running a red light.
8. Honk your horn the instant the light changes.
9. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
10. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. Why give them the upper hand?
11. Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
12. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
13. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.